Mikelo!

Mr. Wizard was one of my heores, and I watched him every day. He was awesome. This is my farewell video to him, who passed away June 12th.

(This was also posted to my Blogger blog at http://itsmikelo.blogspot.com

I am a(n) (insert belief)

I respect the right of all individuals to choose their belief.

I reject hatred and intolerance of other beliefs, even if it comes from those who share my beliefs.

I will stand up against hatred and intolerance, even if it means defending those whose beliefs differ from my own.

We are all on a personal journey, and I do not have the right to dictate to anyone what they should believe.

Peace and respect.

(This is a response from here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=70XHyroQgik )

Also, I am also maintaining a dedicated vlog at http://itsmikelo.blogspot.com

This video is a response to YouTuber 1938superman, in which he responds to various thoughts about copyright. I've been hearing all kinds of thoughts about copyright, namely "Why don't the copyright holders just lighten up and let us spread clips of their stuff. It's free advertising, right?" Well... wrong. And this video explains why.

Here's a video of me and my little girl playing volleyball. And she grand? This is from lats year, but I updated the video by adding some CC-licensed music.

Boy, it sure can be a pain in the ass keeping a journal up. Since I signed off, Jude and I have moved out of Ryan's house (and he's no logner our friend), gotten a job as maintenence men at an apartment complex, so we have free rent in a sweet 3-bedroom apartment and a small salary, and we also got a new car. I claimed my cat back from Heather and got a new kitten even. With a new owner taking over the complex, we might even get a raise.

The best thing of all is that I have seen my daughter three times now, and things are going great. I'm going again this coming weekend, and my parents might even be coming down to see their granddaughter. Earline is a gorgeous and wonderful little girl, and I'm looking forward to growing in my relationship with her.



  
This is me and her together. Notice the failed attempt at rabbit ears.


I've been chronicalling my adventures with her on my MySpace page, so if you're a member there, you can see pics, and a video and read about everything. I might come back here and repost what I posted there. We'll see.



  
This is me and her again, but with Mandy, her mother.


I feel like my life is more complete than I've ever felt it, having her in my life. It's like being in love, but ten times more potent. I love her, and I look forward to being a positive part of her life. She adores me, too, the way she runs to me and grabs me when I visit. She's all the woman I need.

The great thing is, she really loves Jude, too. He made her a gorgeous bracelet of beads, some of which were gold plated. While most of the family has figured out my relationship with Jude, she hasn't, although she has hinted that she thinks it's more than just friends. Hey, she's 10. What do you expect?



  
Gorgeous, isn't she?

In the last four years that I have been practicing the Hare Krishna faith and studying Bhagavad-Gita, there is one concept that has confused me and its meaning escaped me. It's summed up best in this passage from Chapter 4, Verse 20:

Abandoning all attachment to the results of his activities, ever satisfied and independent, he performs no fruitive action, although engaged in all kinds of undertakings.

So... as I understand it from various passages in the Gita, I'm not supposed to give up action and keep doing stuff, and I'm supposed to offer the results of my actions to God. Fair enough. But somehow, I'm not supposed to focus on the results of those actions. I'm not supposed to be attached to the fruits of my actions.

Okay, so if I'm not supposed to worry about the fruits of my actions, why even engage in any actions at all? After all, we do stuff to get a specific result, right?

Well, today I think I finally got it. Check this out:

I was looking around HinduNet and found this item in their store: http://www.cafepress.com/hindunet2.2842476

If you click on the "View Larger" line, we see that there is a tree being watered. Read the caption.

Now, earlier, I was writing an e-mail to Nicole and something occurred to me, and I went back to bed and while Jude was holding me, the idea turned over in my head again and again: "Give your life to God, take action, don't worry about the fruits." Finally, this is the epiphany I had:

When you want to grow an apple tree, you do it for a goal: to grow apples. Make sense? So, what you do, is you keep watering that tree and providing it nourishment. Don't worry about the apples. You know that they're going to grow, so you just keep putting the action in day in and day out. Sooner or later, the apple tree will produce fruit.

So, this is the key difference. You are making the goal, and then putting action behind the goal. You don't worry about the fruits coming because they will. Also, you don't try and control the outcome of your actions - that's where letting the fruit grow in comes in. Let the apples come in! You can't control how many will come in or what they'll be like, but if you do what you're supposed to, the fruits will be what you want or better.

After you have your fruits, you then offer that to God. Pluck that first apple and let Him have it.

So, that's how I came into that realization. Now I can work in peace, knowing I'm finally on the right track. I finally get it.

In other news, Jude's going in to get two teeth extracted on the 21st of this month, so that should prove interesting. I plan on being there for the whole thing, or at least as much as possible. I want to be there for him.

Also, Jude and I went and saw Anna at her work. I wasn't sure what to expect, but she sure did look interesting in the security guard uniform. Hot, even. We spent a couple of hours there talking with her and letting her do her job. It was a nice conversation and we flirted with each other. We (Jude, I and her) have our first date Sunday. Should be interesting. God, she's so damn beautiful. And a Christian.

Something else, I sent an e-mail awhile back to an address that I thought was for my friend Tomoko. Finally today, I heard back from her. "Are you Mike from El Dorado High?" Yep, that's me. I'm looking forward to finding out where her life has gone.

Nothing from my former father-in-law as yet, but his sister said once "He's at the shop..." Okay, this means that he still works on cars, and she even confirmed that he still lives in Loveland. So, I just need to call out to different car shops in Loveland and see if I can find him. I think though, that he's reluctant to hear from me again. That's okay, I'm still not going to give up.

Recently, I was taken to task about the potential to dating Anna to my relationship with Nicole and with Jude, namely, what do people think about it and should people be happy?

My answer to this is simple: Who the hell cares?

When I started to date Nicole, I was confronted with everything from "Isn't she a little young for you?" (she's 13 years younger than me) to "Why don't you just find someone who lives in the same town as you?"

With Jude, I had (and still have) the problem of being compared to Michael Dodge or any of the other unsundry people he dated once upon a time every time I make a mistake with him or hurt him. (For the record, I don't consider Michael to be as bad a person as he used to be - he's changed and grown a lot of late, and I'm happy for him)

So, you don't like who I'm dating? I'm sure you have your reasons, but the biggest thing I can tell you is "I don't care what the fuck you think." There's only one person I answer to in my life, and that's Krishna, the Supreme Being, and He's the one whom I have to truly worry about pleasing.

With regard to who I decide to date, on this planet in this lifetime at this moment, the only human I worry about getting approval with is Jude, because he is my boyfriend and he's directly affected by any dating decisions I make. I don't have a second lover at this time, and if I decide to take one, he has to be in on it.

If you're my boyfriend/girlfriend, you have my ear. Anyone else's opinion, lest I ask, is noted and most likely ignored.

Yesterday, Jude and went into town to go to some place called Bowers, which is some kind of a merketing and testing facility. They pay people to test new products. If you get turned down for the project, they thank you for applying and give you ten bucks for applying. If you get accepted and you go thru the whole thing, then you can get up to $180, depending on how far you go.

The current project is a dandruff shampoo. Jude and I filled out the paperwork and were brought into the various testing rooms. The person there kept pulling hair to the side, looking at my scalp, and saying numbers to the lady at the computer.

I used the $10 to get lunch for me and Jude. I also got to keep the comb (big surprise, huh?).

Interestingly enough, Jude got accepted into the project. Soon as they were done with the barrage of tests (he took longer than me, even though he went before me, so I knew he got accepted), we went to the other building where he was then given another test to see how many micro organisms were on his scalp, and then he washed his hair with the stuff.

After that, we went to lunch and saw his mom, and then we went to a few places, including a comic store to appraise a few comics (the guy said I could get a dollar for all of them at a garage sale) and a couple of malls. Jude got a waffle iron for his mom (she gave him the money) and we walked around for awhile. Jude got depressed after a time becaue he would love to buy some things there, and he felt that if he'd worked harder, we'd be able to do so much more.

I understand where he's coming from, but I also assured him that it wasn't too late (actually, it's too late for one thing I wanted, but that's okay) to do anything we wanted. We can still work. We can still make money. That seemed to pick his spirits up a bit. We then got some fudge for me, because I was dragging a bit. I ate most of it and saved a quarter of it per his request.

While we were at Borders, I was looking at the uncut Sailor Moon DVDs (still insisting that Fisheye's a female, even despite footage that shows otherwise - my poor Fishie!) and Jude ate his part of the fudge. Some of it must have gotten across his mouth and went into the abscessed tooth, because a few minutes after we left the store, the pain started. While I was driving, the pain increased, until he was howling and crying in sgony.

You know, part of the benefit of polyamory is that you're never alone to do anything, really. I kept thinking that I wished that we'd had our date with Anna and that it had worked out, because then I'd have had help to keep him comforted. She does care about Jude greatly - immensly! Three people in a support system - that's pain lessened because it's shared and spread out. The pain may not have been lessened physically for Jude, but he'd have had two people loving him and helping him through it. I wouldn't have been so drained, myself.

I pulled over to a Taco Bell and got a cup and had him rinse his mouth out with warm water. Fortunately, he had taken the pain killers at the mall, and when he rinsed his mouth, it confirmed our suspicians - pieces of fudge came out when he spit. It didn't give him immediate relief, but I think it lessened the time it took for the drugs to take effect.

Normally, I'm against using medicine, but I don't like to see my darling in so much pain. I just wanted it to end.

I guess the rinsing worked, because a few minutes later I went into a grocery store to get a fiver exchanged for some quarters so Jude's mom could do laundry. I left the car running with the heater going, and when I came out, he'd reclined in the front seat and seemed to be doing better. He told me that it was down to a dull ache and he could bear it now. We drove back to his parents' house and watched NCIS and CSI: NY. The pain got better and we had waffles, which was delicious.

Then we came home and played around. Vincent (Jude's guy from Scotland) was on and Jude chatted with him, and then we went to bed.

Jude was so scared for a long time that I was angry at him for being in pain. I was angry, but not at him! I was seething because there are so many people, dentists, that have the skill and talent to help him, but they won't unless he either has insurance or can fork over a couple of hundred dollars up front. Dentists have no compassion. I wish our government would allow what we see in other countries, dental therapists, who help out poor people who can't afford to have their teeth fixed (The American Dental Association has worked to keep them outlawed here, thinking that people giving free or low-cost dental work will cut into the profit margtins of "professional dentists." - yeah, right).

Fortunately, Jude was able to sign up for a program that gives him free insurance, so we are going to the dentist this afternoon. It could cost upwards of $110 to have his teeth fixed, but we get our $200 government payout today, and cost is no object to getting my darling fixed up.

Going up, I spent 13 hours on the bus. Coming back, it was 14. Going to Gillette, Wyo, I had all of my things with me. On the way back, we have to stop south of Cheyenne and sit and wait for a half hour for another bus to come and switch busses with another group going North and my luggage never made it off of the original bus, so i had to wait 24 hours to get it. Then the way home seemed to take forever.

However, between the going and the coming, I had a great time.

I went up to Wyoming to spend Thanksgiving with my parents and my mom's best friend and her husband. Up until Thanksgiving, it was just me and my folks, and then Janet and Andy showed up on Thanksgiving.

I swear, I was driving my mom nuts the whole time I was there, but after a few days, she really tried to get me to relax the vegetarian thing.

Me: I don't want to eat this, it has bacon in it.
Mom: Oh, that won't hurt you!

Things like that. The day after Thanksgiving, after having nightmares due to some tooth pain, I went to breakfast with them and ordered potato pancakes, thinking, "Well, there's no animal product in this," but when I got it, there was bacon right on top. Normally, I might have just made a face and gave the bacon to my mom or dad, but being rattled by the nightmares, I let loose and yelled "What the hell is this?!" I was not a good person.

When I first showd up, dad told me that he'd set up his laptop for me to use, and then he gave it to me! It's a pentium III, and he even let me keep the Wi-Fi card with it, so now, as I type this, I'm on the internet. But I took the laptop downstairs and did stuff on the computer while my folks either slept or watched football (They're huge Packers fans). I still enjoyed their company at times, especially when we went out to eat for dinner or pie. (Beast Boy voice: This... is the best pie... in the history... of pie!)We also watched the Blue Collar Comedy Tour and Larry the Cable Guy (Git R Done!) on DVD. That was funny. (If you have a matching set of salad bowls that say "Cool Whip" on the side, you might be a redneck!)

Once I got the programs set up on the laptop, I got to talking to Heather and Jude. Heather mostly sent me pics, and Jude and I talked about a lot of things. We kept each other sane. Despite the distance, the IM programs really helped us keep our romance going.

The time in Gillete was pretty uneventful, but good.

There was a hard time where a piece of Jude's tooth broke off and exposed the root. Right at that point, even with the IM programs, I felt completely helpless. I don't like being helpless. He was in the worst pain of his life and I wanted to be able to hold him, but no, I was in Gillette at the time. However, he was staying with his parents while I was Gillette, so he had some support. His dad finally took him to the ER, and it was discovered that he had 4 abscesses.

Funny, the people at the Aurora told him it was sinus infections. That was wrong. Fortunately, he was prescribed some pain killers (Percoset) and pennicillin and he has a dentist appointment Thursday. I'm looking forward to having this taken care of. I hate seeing my lover in so much pain.

After he was able to deal with the pain, he went out with the people in our circle of friends, collectively called the Freak Show. Not only were they able to connect as friends, but they were also able to talk about bringing Freak Show back to life as a business. Yeah, baby! We are going to rock. Jude wants to do the Wizard of Oz movie under the Freak Show banner. Maybe we can do it like Star Wars was done and pay no one, just get interns.

Joel was there, who now lives in Greeley with his fiancee. He said he misses me and wishes we could be better friends. I told Jude that I wished the same.

While I was in Gillette, I was able to get a lead on finding my daughter. I went to the family's old church and asked about finding him. I was able to get the phone number to Mandy's cousin Kim, who gave me her parents' cell phone. I called them and talked to Suzy, who talked to Jack and gave him my phone number and, hopefully, e-mail address. I'm just waiting for him to contact me now.

I'm really excited. My mom had even more pictures of Earline, and as soon as I have them scanned in, I will post them here. She's even more beautiful the more I look at her, and, with the exception of more pronounced cheekbones, it scary how much she looks like me when I was her age. I might post a comparison pic.

Another positive thing, I have a date soon. When Jude was meeting with everyone, he set me up with Anna, who is the most desired woman in Freak Show. I've always been attracted to her, even to the point of having a crush on her. I thought about asking her out, but could never get the stones to do it.

It's funny, I can flirt with any girl. ANY girl and I'm completely at ease with it. When I get around Anna, I completely freeze. I get scared and afraid that I'll say something wrong and chase her away. When I've seen other guys put their arms around her, I get insanely jealous. Why?! I'm not her boyfriend. I don't think I'm in love, but...

"It's a little bit funny... this feeling inside..." (Moulin Rouge)

But Jude talked with her and found she was attracted to me as well, especially since I cleaned up my life. He explained Polyamory as well, and flirted with her, and set her at ease, and then they agreed that the three of us are going to go on a "getting to know you" date. If we hit it off, we'll probably start dating offically.

Yes, the most beautlful and desirable woman in Freak Show. There would be a lot of people, Ryan especially, that would be so jealous of me. Nice, huh? I'm looking forward to the attempt to court her, even though I am scared (and not just over the fact the she could, potentially, kick my ass - hey she was in the army and a was security guard when she got out).

I was told all this the night before coming home. Boy, talk about not being able to sleep!

But now, I am in the arms of my lover once more, and all is right. We have an appointment at a marketing agency that's going to pay us to test out an anti-itch/dandruff shampoo. Also nice. Hopefully, we'll get paid for the work we did for his dad, so we can make the co-pay for the dentist.

What's more, I finally have a plan for truly getting Darkstar Eclectic Media off the ground, and this plan actually makes sense this time. Jude likes it, and I'll post more in a later entry. For now, I'm going to bed.

PS - got to see Sky High finally. and it was fantastic.

PPS - need to get some new user pics up

You scored as Dracula. You are the smooth sexy cool Dracula. Patient and lustful. If you were any cooler youd be ice. Great style with a way of seducing those around you. And three brides who wouldn't want to be him. </td> Marius 100% Dracula 100% Armand 92% Spike 83% Louis 67% Deacon Frost 58% Akasha 58% Lestat 58% Blade 50% Angel 33% Whose your Vampire personality? (images) created with QuizFarm.com

I'd have thought that Lestat would have been higher on the probability. I'm at least happy I'm not Louis. But Dracula... aww, yeah! Now THAT'S a vampire's role model.

Got it in one. What surprises me is that I'm liklier to be an atheist than a satanist. Satanism still believes in something, while atheism believes in nothing, and I gotta believe in something.

You scored as Hinduism. Your views are most similar to those of... Hinduism! Do some research on Hinduism and possibly consider becoming Hindu, if you aren't already. </td> Hinduism 100% Buddhism 88% Christianity 88% Judaism 67% Paganism 46% agnosticism 46% Islam 42% atheism 29% Satanism 21% Which religion is the right one for you? (new version) created with QuizFarm.com

Okay, technically speaking, I'm not a Hindu, as my spiritual master, Srila Prabhupada said. The correct term is Sanatana Dharma - The Eternal Duty/Religion - which is duty and service to God, and that's the only REAL faith.

Hee hee - YES!

You scored as Sirius Black. You are a gifted wizard and very loyal to your allegiance. Whilst you have a big heart and care very much about those around you, you can be a little arrogant and reckless at times. </td> Sirius Black 90% Draco Malfoy 85% Lord Voldemort 85% Ginny Weasley 85% Ron Weasley 80% Remus Lupin 75% Albus Dumbledore 70% Severus Snape 70% Harry Potter 65% Hermione Granger 45% Your Harry Potter Alter Ego Is...? created with QuizFarm.com

I'm the sub - remember that!

You scored as A Slave To BDSM. Admit it, you like being tied up and being told you've been very naughty. You like teasing your partner and making them squirm, and not letting them be able to do anything about it. Some people think what you do is sick and disgusting, but you know it's all in good fun. </td> A Slave To BDSM 93% Sex God 73% A Romantic 63% Virgin 40% How are you in bed created with QuizFarm.com

I had an interesting thought the other day...

Jude lost me twice, once about 6 years ago, and again at the beginning of this year, but now, we're together again and determined to stay that way.

On a similar note, I've already lost Nicole twice...

It's been interesting. The moods have been a little down here of late.

Yesterday, Gwen got into a really bad mood, although I really don't know why. Today, it's Heather, and the cause is that she wishes Gwen would do dishes. Can't say as I blame her; she does do the cooking - as far as I can see, all of it. The only chore I've ever seen Gwen do is take out the trash. I'm having a difficult time cheering Heather up, and I'd like to.

Tia also jumped on me twice today - the first time because I had a couple of bagels a few days ago (I didn't know that they were to be used for burgers! Now I feel bad for eating again!), and the second time she asked me not to "run around in your underwear." I wear a shirt so I'm not completely uncovered, so I guess I'll be wearing my jeans.

I've been depressed off and on, and today I almost went on a full-blown panic wanting to do [i]something[/i] but not knowing what.

I'm going home tomorrow, and I'll be glad to see Jude again. I kept dreaming about him last night. I'm having trouble remembering, but it had something to do with being alone in Ryan's house and having lots of new things. I think that's a portent of the future.

I really want to help Heather get out of her mom's house again. She told me that the moody interactions with her sister happen "more often than I'd like to." I can tell she's not happy here. What to do, what to do...? No matter what it is, once Jude and I show her how, I think she'll take off like a rocket.

I'm watching Teen Titans as I type this. It's really cool, they brought in Kole, who, if you're not familiar with the Teen Titans comics, is a girl who can turn herself into crystal. When Dr. Light said "I must have her!" I almost bust a gut. Heh!

I don't know why, but I feel like I have to run... and run... and keep running...

The sale for the Deluxe eBiz Package went well - we got a full 1% response rate from the list that we advertised on, which is what marketers go for. We did it. Of course, the list had only about 100 people on it - you do the math.

Friday, Jude and I went to a party at Leia's house and we had a blast. I was dressed as a beautiful woman and he was a modern gothic vampire. He looked hot. I had on my short, white dress, and I stuffed a bra with socks, which was lumpy, unfortunately, and then I used a couple of red lemonheads as nippled. The result was cute, but my chest felt like it stuck out a mile. Jude did my makeup for me and my friend Angie did my hair. I looked like this beautiful 80s diva.

We mostly hung out and we took pics of our costumes, which was really cool. When Leia was posing with Angie and Emily, a ghost kept trying to get into the picture, and Jude was able to capture it on film. I swear the ghost was going "I'm ready for my closeup!" When Jude took another picture, this time of just Leia, there was an ectoplasmic mist sourrounding her. The ghosts there felt nicer than the ones in Ryan's house. I'm eagerly awaiting Angie to send all the pics to us.

Especially since, during Truth or Dare, Jude got to suck chocolate syrup off of a guy he thought was hot. The guy was straight, but he was willing to let Jude do it. After Jude did it, he said, his voice shaking and head twitching "it was WEIRD!" Still it was fun.

I spent all Saturday and Sunday working on my Podcast, and Jude gave me the time and space to get it done. I had a lot of fun doing it.

Problem is, as Saturday progressed, Jude's mood kept dropping and he kept looking at me like I'd done something wrong. My mood was great all day, but then I started getting dragging me down with his. I couldn't figure out why this was happening. We started fighting towards the end of the day. I had a couple of blasts of temper at one point, but then with Jude's mood, I couldn't get the anger to go away, which is unusual for me.

The next day Jude's mood kept getting worse. We were supposed to be going to Heather's house for a halloween get-together,which I found out later he wasn't interested in at all. At night, we were fighting worse than ever. He kept asking me all day if I wanted to spend a year in England to be able to be with Nicole so I could be her everything. He even typed to his mom online at one point about letting me do that, and she agreed it was a good idea. It kept coming up over and over. I was about to yell at Jude at one point "Fine, I'll go! It's obvious you don't want me here!"

Monday was a little better, but he was still sad-looking all the time. Nicole called and talked with her for two hours again. It started out okay. The topic got to sex at one point, and we started talking about her sex life with John. I didn't really want to hear about that, but I felt it would be good to know what they do. John compares to me when I married Mandy, and he apparently bores her these days. Obviously he's not doing something right. That's a symptom that he's not truly thinking of her. He doesn't know the first rule of good sex.

I got to flirting with her a lot, but at one point the conversation turned sour. We talked about her and John and her and me. She said how she'd wanted a boyfriend so bad and she was tired of waiting for me to get there so she took John, and she gave up completely on me. That's a line she later took back, and even begged me to believe her in a text message after the conversation that she believes in me and she hasn't given up on me and she really wants to see me and be with me.

She kept reiterating over the phone how John makes her happy, but she told me that when she's alone, she feels sad that she misses me, and she cries at night because I'm not there. Well, I guess he's not really making her all that happy, is he?

She told me I need to get out and make some income. I asked her for the 100% guaranteed way to land a job and I'll go do it, and she's like "Well, you just have to get out there and send your resume and fill out applications."

Me: We're tired of doing that. No one is hiring us. Jude was even told that he's overqualified. Explain that! Besides, if I have a job, how am I going to come see you?
Nicole: It's called "holiday," Mike.
Me: Oh, that's good. I have to work for a whole year just to get a week to come be with you. And if all my money doesn't go to my bills, I might be able to save just enough to come see you, but most likely not. And then I get to work a whole 'nother year and MAYBE get two weeks. Oh, if I take that vacation, there's a good chance that I might not have my job when I get back. That happens a lot here.

After I hung up the phone, I tried to cheer up, but she kept sending me text messages. I guess she felt bad over how the conversation went and the things she said to me.

Jude, even though still sad, helped me respond to them. She had a past-life regression that resulted in a panic attack, and she asked me if she and John broke up, would I take her back. The correct answer is, of course, yes, but I didn't want to tell her that right away. Besides, she's asked me that before. It makes no sense for her to ask that, since she's not breaking up with him. I told her it was hard to take her back since she was already in my heart.

She asked if I belived her that she still loves me and believes in me and that she hasn't given up on me. I told her I beileved her on the first two (which I do) but told her she needed to show me on the last. I want to believe her that she hasn't given up on me, but when she told emphatically on the phone that she had "completely given up" on me, that stuck more, and it hurt. Especially since I never gave up on her, even though I almost have a few times.

After all that ended, I tried to get Jude's spirits up, and couldn't do it. Normally I can, so this was really bad. And it kept affecting my mood, too. We went out to get something from the post office, and on the way back, he asked if I'd like to stay more than one night at Heather's. He said he felt that we needed a break from each other. I was forced to agree because, I think, otherwise we were going to break up in a horrible way or kill each other.

Odd thing was, when we showered after that and were on the way out, we started hugging more and kissing more. We talked on the way to Ellicott. We discovered that things were too intense for him, and that he had so much shit coming at him from all directions. He needed to recoup, and I agree with that. So I'm here at Heather's right now. Too bad I had to miss Taco Tuesday, but that's all right.

I wrote up a JV proposal for a couple of lists, which I'll personalize for the lists. Jude's making some corrections to it and he'll send it back to me.

I think our JV partnerships will pan out in big ways. Jude and I are making partnerships with list with hundreds of thousands of people on them. With the sale, Krishna showed me that we'll get that one percent, so we're more than likely going to make a lot of money. I know it in my heart. Once Jude sends me the corrections for my JV proposal, I'll get it sent out.

I'll send Nicole the money I owe her once the bucks start rolling in (they will - make no mistake. Krishna wants us to be rich, and He rewards effort). I owe her £400, and I was orignally going to double that as a token of thanks, but she got to demanding the £400 over and over, even to the point of threatening me with legal action. I almost ended everything with her right there, even after she apologized. But if she wants £400, then £400 is what she'll get. Not a penny more.

Right now, though, I'm on a roller coaster of feelings, or is it a pendulum? I keep swinging from wanting to get over there and win her back (I can, no doubt in my mind), and wanting to just forget about her and give up. The switch between the two feelings is violent.

But no matter what happens, Jude and I are going to be out of Ryan's house on or before the 15th. I originally set a goal to go to England by December 6th (not sure why I picked that date, it just sounded good), and if I decide I actually want to to go, I will. The money is there, it's just about to be desposited in our account (remember, kids, the universe gives you what comes out of your mouth).

I like staying here and I love Heather to death and have been having a great time with her (not, not like that!), but I miss Jude already, and I look forward to being with him again.

Your Sexy Brazilian Name is:

Sylvio Montenegro

Heh, pretty kewl, huh? Since I'm going to be taking a class in Copoeira soon, maybe I should just call myself that.

It's true, there's actually a school in Colorado Springs that teaches Copoeira. For those not in the know, Copoeira is a Brazilian martial art, which was brought over by African slaves and modified to fit their lifestyle. It's a combination of fierce dance with fighting. I've wanted to learn this martial art since I saw it spotlighted in Dragon magazine years ago, when they presented a really cool class: the Battle Dancer. They did it similarly to the Monk class, and was for AD&D First Edition. When it talked about Copoeira, I knew I had to learn it, and recently, I found out about the school here. It's taught by a guy named Mago, and I can take an introductory class for the price of a canned good, and Jude's going with me. I can't wait to try it.

I still haven't gone back to the fast yet. I may do it soon, though. In Kevin Trudeau's book Natural Cures "They" Don't Want You to Know About, he says that a 21-day juice fast will completely clense you of toxins. I've read other stuff to bear that out, so I'm going to do that, especially when I know I'm in a place where I can take it easy and not have to worry about anything. I know some of you are probably going to tell me, "But, Mike, that means you'll never do it, because there's always going to be something going on." True, there's always something going on, but since I believe in creating my own reality, I know there can be a time and place that I'll either find or make.

Let's visualize that, shall we? How about... a 5/3 house in a nice part of Colorado Springs, with bright but earth-oriented colors throughout. I am living with Jude and no one else. We have a passive income so I don't have to work and out bills are all taken care of. I am completely stocked up in juices, or in organic fruits and veggies to use with a juicer, like the Jack Lalanne Juicer (he's a student of Paul Bragg, a health guru I admire immensly). I am setting aside time in the morning to meditate and I have a consistent bed time and rising time. The only one who sees me is my lover who supports me and I am happy in all these things.

This, or something better.

And I know this can happen.

Recently, we went to Heather's to celebrate her and her mom's birthdays. We got out there, but along the way, we picked up a birthday cake (triple chocolate) with ice cream (more chocolate). They were happy. Problem was, shortly after we got there, this huge blizzard appeared. It snowed sideways for two days after that and the roads were closed down. We were stuck. There are worse places to be stuck, that's for sure. To pass the time, we watched TV on their new Dish TV system with Tivo, which was really cool. The first night we stayed, the power went completely out, and stayed out until the middle of the next day. We lit a bunch of candles and roleplayed. Jude GMed us through an adventure that involved a magical contest and was an on-the-fly homebrew 1d20-style system.

I played a Giger-type biomechanical person who could change his gender at will. I called him Shivati. Heather made a drow with wings and Gwen made a kryptonian. Both played alchemists in the style of Full Metal Alchemist, and I played a "sorcerer" where I defined the spells in terms of laws of physics and quantum physics.

For the most part, the stay was good, except that Jude got sprayed by one of their cats, who seemed to think Jude was part of his territory. Jude and I slept cuddled REAL close together between Heather and Gwen's beds in their room. All of in there kept the rool really warm and comfy.

We did a lot of talking and when the power came on, we watched more TV and some movies. Jude got to see Ferris Bueller's Day Off finally, and he loved it. We also watched Aliens vs. Predator. I am in full agreement with Nicole: it should have been faster paced than what it was. When the predators finally came in and the aliens started bursting out, then it got pretty exciting, but up until that point, I kept wanting to scream, "come on, get to the good stuff!"

Since leaving, Jude has been working pretty hard on the website, to make it better and get people to buy buy BUY! He learned a bunch of really great stuff and is applying it today. I'm going to do some graphical work for him, too. After the way Ryan's been treating him, Jude and I really want to get out of here. Last night was the worst, with Ryan yelling at him about us leaving shit laying around, being slobs, that I'm horrible to him and I only love Nicole so he should leave me, he should forget about this "internet shit" and get a real job to make money to support everybody, and he should sit around all the time and play games with Ryan. We were going to make love after I took a shower, but ryan completely killed that mood.

So, Jude needs to throw away all his dreams, leave me and get a job so he can pay all of the Greniers' bills and be Ryan's little plaything? Funk dat!

We went for a walk and it worked great to clear Jude's head and heart. I wore a BDU shirt and nothing else when we got back home, and we made love anyway. Take that, Dreamkillers!

A big thing that made me fall in love with Jude was that I loved his dreams. The fact that they fell to the wayside is a tragedy that I never want to see repeated. I want all of his dreams to be a reality.

Lately, I have been having a series of dreams about Nicole. I've had a total of four now. In the first one, I was with Jude and Nicole and we were happy. That's really about it. In the second one, I was in my room, and I looked over and saw her and John making love. I watched them for a brief moment and it really drove it home that she was with him and not me. I didn't like that.

The third dream, I went to England with Jude and Heather. We stayed at Nicole's place, which bore a resemblance to a boarding house. I didn't see Nicole right away, but Jude slept and I walked around with Heather, who seemed to not mind remaining shirtless. I finally saw Nicole by climbing a tower of beds, but my friend Adam was climbing up with me. When I got to the top, Adam climbed in bed with Nicole and kissed her as she woke up and called her "Honey." Nicole looked halfway between herself and Adam's wife Leia (whom I might have dated if thing hadn't worked out with Adam). The interesting thing about this dream was that I didn't mind seeing them together. I just thought, "That's okay. We both love her, and I'll have my chance with her soon."

In the fourth, I was out with Jude, Nicole and some others. Some time in the past, I had introduced Nicki to a guy named Jason, whose nickname was Dill (this guy was made by my dreaming self). There's a point where I was driving her and Jude around, but I was in both the driver's seat and the passenger's seat. Nicole asked if we were going to see Dill, and she seemed a little excited (but not a lot). We were also hit by a blizzard, so I couldn't see where I was going. When the snow cleared, I almost hit a wall, but I stopped and turned around. When we got to our destination, it was suddenly like Spring. I had Jude on one side and Nicki on the other. Dill showed up, who was very tall and skinny, and he had the letter "J" emboidered all over his turtleneck. Nicole kissed me passionately, then leaned over and gave Dill a simple and light kiss. Again, I didn't mind this.

My theory is that the Universe is replaying the history of the relationship with me and Nicole with John, and doing it as a hint that I'm about to get her back. Jude agrees, but also thinks that the Universe is telling me how I should have viewed this whole thing, and how I can change myself to find more peace with the situation. I think he has a good point.

Also, the texts between me and Nicole have reached a new intensity. Simpleology and The Attractor Factor both say to look for hints that he universe is giving you what you want. Both of these books have taught us so much about visualizing and getting what you want. Jude found them and I'm glad he did. Combined with Jack Canfield's (co-author of Chicken Soup for the Soul) book The Success Principals, we're learning how to get what we want. We will be out of here, in our own home, getting out health problems fixed once and for all, and vacationing in England very very soon.

Okay, so I apologized to Ashlee. Wrote her a nice note in the comment section of her LJ. She threw it back at me and said "I gave you a second chance, and you blew it." Oh, well, too bad, so sad. I'd hoped to have her as a friend, but if she truly doesn't that, it's no skin off my nose.

Nice to know that I still have that much power over her that I can irritate her so much. Hee hee!

In an interesting little twist, though, I got an e-mail from an advertising agency from Grand Rapids (Krishna, You are a trickster, and that's why I love You), and they want to advertise in my podcast. Let's see, i must think about this... HELL YES! Now I need to put something together for them so I can start making some money with this. Good thing Jude and I are planning on branching out.

Still no sales, and I'm going to go back on the fast on Sunday, to make it easier to track. I also began the Charles Atlas minicourse again, and I'm dedicated to sticking to it. The 10 exercises are meant to deal with every part of the body, and I especially want help with my gut. The sooner that's gone, the sooner I'll feel more confident. Maybe a six-pack. I wouldn't mind that.

In any event, back to work... :-D